From as early as I can remember, approval was currency in my world. As the firstborn, I carried all the classic expectations–be responsible, set the example, make the family proud. In our house, children were to be “seen and not heard” as my mother often reminded me; I learned quickly that my voice mattered little unless I was winning awards or doing well at school. I grew up believing that I needed to please others in order to be seen and heard–it became the measure of my self worth and it followed me well into adulthood.
It wasn’t until my late 40s that I began to loosen my grip on approval-seeking. One of the biggest turning points came in 2023 when my now husband and I married. We are Beatles fans. Living in the UK, we wanted to get married at Marylebone Town Hall in London, just as Ringo and Paul had done years earlier. We wanted something small and casual, something that felt like us. But I knew our plans would disappoint my mother, who had always imagined a traditional wedding in my hometown of Perth, Western Australia.
For months, my mother voiced her disappointment. Then, two weeks out from our big day, I sent her a text: I told her I’d never been good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough, or in Perth enough, and that whilst it wouldn’t be the wedding of her dreams, it would be the wedding of mine.
After sending that message, I felt an enormous sense of relief.
But what had actually changed?
I knew my words wouldn’t change my mother’s feelings. What changed was me–as much as I wanted my mother’s approval, I wasn’t going to change my wedding plans to please her.
That day, I took a gigantic step toward my authentic self. This blog and accompanying podcast are further steps in that direction. No longer do I fear what others might think. I’m doing this because every cell in my body wants to do it, and that’s reason enough for me.
Why Do We Seek Approval?
On some level, we are all seeking approval and validation. As social beings, our ancestors depended on group acceptance for survival; being part of the tribe meant safety and security. In modern life, this instinct persists, but the stakes have shifted. The need for approval often shows up as a drive to fit in, gain praise, or avoid criticism from family, friends, colleagues, or strangers online.
Research shows that constantly seeking approval increases stress hormones like cortisol by up to 35%, leading to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. The more we chase approval, the more our sense of self-worth is impacted. We may feel emotionally vulnerable and empty or unfulfilled. It also reinforces the belief that who we are isn’t good enough. Over time, this can fragment our identity, we become one version of ourselves for one person, another for someone else, until it’s hard to know who we really are.
This fragmentation is exhausting. It drains our mental reserves, reduces our focus, and can erode our self-esteem. Even if we gain approval, it’s often fleeting, and the uneasy feelings remain. The more we veer from our true selves, the more disconnected and unsettled we feel inside.
“The irony is that the struggle to win love and approval makes it very difficult to experience them.” –Byron Katie
The Paradox of Authenticity and Approval
We can spend much time and energy trying to win praise and approval, yet it rarely brings the satisfaction we crave. And yet, all too often, when we finally let go of the need to please and start living true to ourselves–when we pursue what genuinely lights us up and act in alignment with our values–that is often when others begin to notice, respect, and even praise us.
The difference? This time, we’re not seeking their approval. We’re simply being ourselves, and the recognition feels more meaningful because it’s based on our authentic selves, not a version we’ve crafted to fit in.
Signs You’re Not Being True to Yourself
Recognising when you’re out of alignment with your authentic self is the first step toward change. Here are some common signs you may not be living true to yourself:
- Constantly seeking approval from others – Needing validation before making decisions or feeling anxious about what others think.
- Saying “yes” when you mean “no” – Agreeing to things out of obligation or fear of disappointing others.
- Compromising your values – Doing things that don’t sit right with you just to avoid conflict or fit in.
- Struggling to make decisions alone – Relying heavily on others’ opinions or needing consensus before acting.
- Feeling resentful or overwhelmed by obligations – Commitments pile up, leading to resentment or burn-out.
- Emotional numbness or confusion – Not sure if you’re bored, sad, or just exhausted.
- Feeling ‘selfish’ asking for what you want – Voicing your needs or desires feels wrong or uncomfortable.
- Experiencing physical symptoms – Chronic exhaustion, insomnia, or unexplained health issues.
If you recognise several of these signs in yourself, it may be time to pause and reflect on where you’re not honouring your needs, values, and desires. The journey back to authenticity starts with honest self-awareness and the courage to listen to your Silent Voice.
To live authentically is to align your actions, beliefs, and values with your true self, unapologetically and without compromise. It is not about rejecting others but honouring your truth and making choices that reflect who you are, not who others want you to be.
Letting Go: The ‘Let Them’ Theory
Mel Robbins’ new book The Let Them Theory offers a powerful mindset shift for those caught in the approval trap. Robbins encourages us to let people have their opinions, reactions, and emotions without changing ourselves to fit their expectations.
Robbins writes, “The fact is, it is impossible to control someone else’s thoughts. Therefore, fearing what other people think, or trying to control their thoughts, is a complete waste of your time. You will never feel in control of your life, your feelings, your thoughts, or your actions until you stop being consumed with or trying to control what other people think about you.”
The Let Them mindset is about boundaries and self-respect. When you let others be who they are, you free yourself to be who you are. As Robbins says, “Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.”
Finding Your “Yes/No”
One of the simplest and most powerful ways to reconnect with your authentic self is to listen to your body’s wisdom. Here’s an exercise to help you distinguish your true “yes” from your true “no”:
1. Find a Quiet Space
Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths. Bring to mind someone you genuinely love–someone who fills your heart with warmth.
2. Feel Your “Yes”
Out loud, repeat the phrase: “I love [insert person’s name]” E.g., “I love my mum” or “I love Patrick].” Say it several times, slowly and sincerely.
Notice: How does your body feel? Is there a sense of openness, warmth, or expansion? Does your chest feel light, your posture relaxed? This is your embodied “yes.”
3. Feel Your “No”
Now, using the same person, say out loud: “I hate [insert name].” Even if it feels uncomfortable, repeat it a few times.
Notice: What happens in your body? Many people feel tension, a sinking feeling, tightness in the chest or stomach, or even a physical recoil. This is your embodied “no.”
4. Apply This Wisdom
Next time you’re faced with a decision, big or small, pause and check in with your body. Ask yourself, “Does this feel like my ‘yes’ or my ‘no’?” Trust what you feel. Your body is often more honest than your mind.
This simple exercise can help you start making choices that are true to you rather than acting to please others.
Start Living Authentically
You don’t have to wait until midlife to start living on your own terms. Authenticity is a mindset you can adopt instantly by tuning in to your feelings and desires. Here are practical steps to help you break free from approval-seeking and reconnect with your true self:
- Pause and Listen: When faced with a decision, ask yourself, “Is this really me?” “Am I enjoying this?” “Do I truly want to be doing this?” Trust your first thought or feeling–it’s often the most honest.
- Notice Your Body’s Response: Use the “yes/no” exercise above to tune into your body’s wisdom.
- Remember Your Worth: Remind yourself that your worth isn’t dependent on others’ approval. The more you validate yourself, the less you need external validation.
- Set Boundaries: Let others have their opinions and reactions. You are not responsible for managing their emotions. Your only responsibility is to be true to yourself.
- Take Small Steps: Authenticity doesn’t require grand gestures. Start with small decisions–declining an invitation that doesn’t feel right, expressing your real opinion, or saying no to a request that doesn’t align with your values.
Approval or Authenticity–Which Will You Choose?
The question is simple but profound: Do you want approval, or do you want to be your true self?
The freedom, peace, and fulfilment that come from living authentically far outweigh the fleeting comfort of others’ approval. As Mel Robbins says, “You will never feel in control of your life… until you stop being consumed with or trying to control what other people think about you.”
Listening to your “yes” and “no” and acting on those feelings within is how you begin to live a life of authenticity. Remember, there’s only one person you need to please in this lifetime–and that person is you!
