Do you ever find yourself fighting an internal tug‑of‑war? Half of you wants to do something while the other half seems hell bent on keeping you stuck?
Here is a fun and surprisingly effective way to resolve inner conflict. These are the battles we experience between the different parts of ourselves that seem to pull us in opposite directions.
You know the kind. One part of you wants to get healthy, while the “other” part sabotages your efforts. Or maybe you know it’s time to let go of past grief or anger, but some part of you just wants to hold on. These are the internal disputes that tend to keep us awake at night and trigger that harsh inner critic who never seems to switch off.
So, how do you gain a better understanding of those “parts” within? Try the DIY Therapist technique – a simple exercise to get those parts working together.
Sophie’s Story
Sophie is in her mid-40s. She works in marketing and has two school‑aged kids. For months, she’s been telling herself, “This is the year I finally get healthy.” She’s bought the journal, follows three health coaches on Instagram, and even stuck a photo of her “future self” on the fridge.
Most days start well. She has a healthy breakfast, packs a salad for lunch, and feels quietly proud on her drive to work. But when evening comes and the house is quiet, a different part of Sophie emerges.
It’s the part of Sophie that stands in front of the fridge, saying, “Come on. You’ve had a huge day. You deserve this. Just one bowl of ice cream and you can start again tomorrow.”
Then another voice whispers, “Why are you doing this again? You had such a good day.”
It’s the same tug‑of‑war most nights, one part wants to be disciplined and healthy; the other feels lonely, tired, and in need of comfort. The next morning, Sophie wakes up disappointed. She steps on the scale and thinks, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I stick to this?” Quiet shame follows her all day, which only fuels the same late‑night cycle.
But this time, instead of heading to the kitchen, Sophie decides to try the DIY Therapist technique.
How to Be a DIY Therapist
Sophie sits on the sofa and places her hands open on her lap.
In her left hand, she imagines holding Disciplined Me, this is the version of herself who sets goals, counts steps, and strives for perfect health.
In her right hand sits Comfort Me, this is the version of Sophie who doesn’t care about steps or macros. She just wants a little sweetness and security at the end of a long day.
And sitting in the middle, of course, is Sophie, the adult version of herself, playing therapist for the evening, hoping to help the two hands come together and stop fighting.
She starts by observing them. How do they look? What expressions are on their faces? How do they feel?
Then she gently begins to ask questions.
First, to Disciplined Me:
- “What are you most afraid will happen if Comfort Me keeps getting her own way?”
- “What are you trying to protect me from?”
Then, to Comfort Me:
- “What are you most afraid will happen if Disciplined Me is in charge all the time?”
- “What are you trying to protect me from?”
These questions can vary. Please feel free to ask whatever feels right for you and your situation. You don’t have to worry about not knowing what to say because, deep down, you already know the answers. This exercise simply helps you separate those inner voices and understand them better.
Once both sides have had their turn, invite them to speak to each other.
Disciplined Me might say, “When you take over at night, it feels like you’re undoing all of the progress we’ve made. I want you to know that I’m not trying to punish you. I just want to help us feel confident and strong.”
Comfort Me might say, “Well, when you criticise me, I feel like a failure. I’m only trying to help us relax after a stressful day. If I disappear, who will comfort Sophie when she feels empty inside?”
It’s often at this point that the lightbulb moment hits. This is when you discover that both sides are in fact trying to help. One cares about your future; the other is trying to protect you in the present.
Finding Common Ground
Now it’s time for you, as the DIY therapist, to step in. Think of yourself as the parent helping two children make peace. Ask both sides the same questions:
- “What would a fair compromise look like to you?
- “What would you be willing to try to care for both the future and the present?”
Disciplined Me might say, “I could live with one small, planned comfort most nights if it doesn’t harm our goals. Maybe we could have two squares of dark chocolate after dinner.”
And Comfort Me might say, “That sounds nice. But I think I’d like some real comfort to, maybe some journalling for ten minutes or curling up with a good book before bed.”
Suddenly, a middle ground appears. Both parts feel heard, respected, and understood. The war within starts to quiet down.
When you finish, bring both hands together and thank your parts for working with you rather than against you. And take a moment to acknowledge how you feel inside. If you’ve managed to find a way that works for both sides, you will most likely feel a sense of inner calm.
Try the DIY Therapist Technique
You can use this technique for almost any inner conflict:
- The part of you that wants to work through your to‑do list vs. the part that wants to relax.
- The part that wants to save money vs. the part that loves to spend money.
- The part that keeps saying “yes” to everyone vs. the part that would like some boundaries.
Whenever you notice tension between two parts of yourself, try putting on your therapist cap. Ask each side what they fear, what they need, and how they can work together.
This exercise costs nothing and only takes a few minutes, but it can reveal a tremendous amount about what’s really going on inside.
If you’d like to hear the audio version of this story, please check out the Step Into Me podcast. And read more posts from Belle’s blog.
