Have you ever felt guilty about prioritising your needs? You’re not alone. For Marianna Clark, founder of Travel Within Retreats, the journey to self-love has been an ongoing process of learning to listen to her heart rather than following old programming from her family, culture, and religion.
Growing up in a Greek family and faith tradition, Marianna was taught that being a “good person” meant putting herself last and caring for everyone else first—even to the point of self-sacrifice.
“In my mind, being a good person had everything to do with putting myself last and taking care of everybody else in front of me. Not only from a familial perspective, but also from a religious standpoint, I’m going to get some really good brownie points in heaven for being this selfless and martyring myself.”
Marianna Clark, Travel Within Retreats
Embracing Self Love
But putting others first came at a cost. Marianna realised that constantly sacrificing her own needs left her feeling depleted and unfulfilled. “Even though it looked like, on the outside, that I was doing something loving, I wasn’t giving myself the love that my body, mind, soul and heart were calling for.”
The turning point came when a mentor challenged Marianna to “be completely selfish” for a period, despite how it made her feel. Through this practice, she discovered that the discomfort was not only survivable but transformative: “If we just lean into it and take those risks and we do something that might feel uncomfortable, in the end, it replenishes us, and it does feel very loving, but it’s not always going to feel that way at first.”
In the first episode of the Step Into Me podcast, Marianna talks about the discomfort of putting yourself first. She now believes the discomfort of breaking old patterns is a stepping stone to a more authentic, loving version of yourself.
How to Put Yourself First
These are Marianna’s tips for leaning into the discomfort and moving towards self love.
- Embrace the Discomfort
When you notice feelings of guilt or anxiety, recognise that these are normal and embrace them as signs of progress towards your personal growth. If taking steps to put yourself first feels uncomfortable, it means you are making meaningful change. - Feel Your Feelings
Mindfulness practices like meditation allow you to observe your feelings without judgement. When you allow the discomfort to pass through you it helps build resilience, and makes it easier to return to a place of self-love. - Use Movement to Release Feelings of Selfishness
It may feel strange at first, but when you make your feelings physical, through movement or dance, it can help you to process and release the fear of being “selfish.” By embodying the discomfort, you allow your body to recalibrate, and allow the energy to move through and out of your system. - Get Writing
Letting your thoughts flow onto paper without editing (freewriting) can be very therapeutic. As a writing prompt, ask yourself, “What are the stories and judgements I carry about selfishness and self love?” Seeing your underlying beliefs on paper is a major step towards becoming more self-aware. Do your beliefs reflect what’s truly in your heart or are they merely the result of your upbringing? - Embrace Forgiveness and Let Go of Judgement
Marianna believes “forgiveness is a powerful bridge to self-love”. Practice letting go of self-judgement and being more compassionate towards yourself. It also pays to forgive those who taught you to put yourself last, and to recognise that they too were most likely acting from their own conditioning.
- Create a Morning Ritual
Begin each day with a few quiet moments before checking your phone and engaging with the world. Whether it’s making tea or sitting in meditation, having a daily ritual helps you tune into your personal needs and intentions. - Cultivate Self-Love Without Boundaries
Instead of building rigid boundaries that can become walls, focus on cultivating a strong sense of love and self-worth within yourself. This inner “force field” naturally attracts respect and kindness from others. It also helps you to respond to challenges from a place of fullness rather than depletion. - Practice Positive Self-Talk
Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. When you notice negative self-talk creeping in, gently redirect your inner dialogue towards love, encouragement and understanding. This takes time and practice, but is another positive step towards self-love. - Feed Your Soul
Put yourself first by taking time for activities that fill your heart and align with your values, whether it’s creative pursuits, time in nature, or simply taking time out to rest. If it feels foreign at first, ask yourself, “What did I enjoy as a child?” It’s a great place to start.
Being True to You
As Marianna reminds us, “When you fill your own cup, it’s inevitable that everyone around you feels it too.”
If you’re ready to take even one small step towards honouring your needs and nurturing your spirit, try one of these practices this week. Notice how honouring your needs, even in small ways, can create more space for joy and connection for both yourself and others.
Listen to Marianna’s conversation with Belle on the Step Into Me podcast.
